All posts filed under: Musings

Overcast

Peak hour and the trains are filled with people rushing from point to point, glued to their phones and a cabin filled with silence. With my earphones plugged in, and classical music filling the air, I stare out of the train windows enjoying the last of the sunset that peaks through the overcast skies. It hasn’t been an easy day at work, in fact, it was nothing short of an inbox filled with a thousand emails and discouragement. I went through as much as I could, but it never felt like it was enough. “Would S be upset if I don’t get through these emails and the task at hand?” “Why am I not getting to the bottom of these emails? I feel really useless.” Then, I am reminded of the quote that reminds me that the glass is always half full. However you choose to view it really determines the outcome. Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrows. It empties today of strength. 3 weeks is a really long time outside of the …

A glimpse of fear

It was Monday, a week to the day that I return to work. The nightmares started all over again, the same one that plagued me until I decided to take the sabbatical. It was the taunting nightmare that tried to remind me that I wasn’t good enough for the job, one where I would return and be immediately pulled under. I woke up shuddering, and I wondered if it was all true. I took a sip of the cool water with the flu medicine that I needed for week long flu and sleep overcomes me. As I was heading to catch up with my workplace BFF – Chris, the commute has brought me back to a conversation that I had with a friend – Krys. “You know the answers to your problems, but the only issue is your lack of confidence and sometimes, you don’t need anyone else’s advice. You really needed to just ramble” It brought me back years in time. We were young and I was facing a lot of issues back then. …

It’s all too much

It was three weeks prior to my sabbatical. I returned to my desk after doing a short coffee break in the pantry and returned to my emails piling up. I am usually rather quick at this, but that day I felt really tired, and the task of responding to emails seems irrationally overwhelming. My mind was tired, my body exhausted, and the world felt like it was closing in on me. It is all too much. I struggled to my feet, wincing at the pain of the onsetting migraine and pushed past colleagues who were streaming into the room and stumbled down the corridor to the nearest bathroom, just as the tears erupted. I collapse into the corner, sobbing, and curling myself up into a ball. I had enough, I wanted a way out. For a while, I struggled with myself like a petulant child wanting to leave a game that was lost. In that moment, I knew what I needed to do – Slow down and rest or risk total burn out. * * …

Tomorrow, he is two

Dear C, Tomorrow, you’d be two. In preparation for this monumental event that I’d be missing due to starting a new job and before I sat down to write this letter, I went back and read what I wrote last year. I didn’t leave you much words of wisdom last year, because I was overwhelmed at being a godmother. The second year of your life has been wonderful. We went to Osaka where you shared bread with your Godpa, laughed at our silly faces, cling on to us when Mama and Papa went to have their turn on the roller-coaster rides and your silly little giggles. I’ve also seen you at least once a quarter in the last year and for that, I am grateful. You’re amazing, my dear baby boy. I’m glad that I could really watch and see you develop your personality over the last year, both in person, via FaceTime and with constant updates from your Mama daily. It amazes me at how well you could count, the way you say “bumpy …

Currently | September Edition

Quote of the month | Doesn’t matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point: All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward, it’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up. – Grey’s Anatomy Reading When I’m gone – Emily Bleeker. This is one of those books that got me all tied up in an emotional mess. How I wished my mum had left more letters, reading about cancer and the pains of the treatment takes me back. It’s so hard to read, yet, I couldn’t put this book down. Listening to video of Shila Amzah singing one of my favourite Jay Chou song. It’s a song that is really hard to nail and you really need to pronounce every single word to really get it. Gosh! I’m loving her rendition. Feeling really emotionally drained. …

Growing up with C | 23 Months

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein “He’s awake, just swing by.” Those 5 words got us jumping out of bed, ignoring our own fatigue. “Quickly! Book an Uber and get there before he gets grumpy”, B urged me as we left home. “Hi Auntie! We’re here! Nice to see you again” Inside, the little one spotted and scrambled to safety (hiding behind mummy). We were strange faces despite the constant Whatsapp Video calls weekly, in all honesty, I wouldn’t blame him for feeling frightened. “Who’s that?” “Godma…. Godpa!” When those words were uttered, B’s face lit up like a child who got the present he wanted for Christmas. I won’t deny it, those little words makes my heart swell up every time I hear them. Eventually, we started play time and C proceeded to stuff us with watermelon and strawberries that he loves. When we …

One Tuesday Morning

It is Tuesday morning. I had slept horribly the night before, and awoke to the soft light streaming through the window into the room. The only sound is that of the fan blade spin above the bed. It feels like I am the only person in the house. I lay in bed, surrounded by my own thoughts. It was the last full day I was going to spend with C before he heads back to Australia. Soon after, outside my room, I can hear C awake and running along the corridor saying “Godma…” He knocks on the room door and bounces in, fresh from a good night’s sleep. With much excitement, he tugs my hand and pulls me out to play in the living room. He is sparkling with energy and looks absolutely cute. We sat on the living room floor playing pretend with the little “dollhouse”, hide and seek with the dolls. He points to the new book that we got him, and we turned pushed the tractor around the book’s track. We giggle, …