Latest Posts

Overcast

Peak hour and the trains are filled with people rushing from point to point, glued to their phones and a cabin filled with silence. With my earphones plugged in, and classical music filling the air, I stare out of the train windows enjoying the last of the sunset that peaks through the overcast skies.

It hasn’t been an easy day at work, in fact, it was nothing short of an inbox filled with a thousand emails and discouragement. I went through as much as I could, but it never felt like it was enough.

“Would S be upset if I don’t get through these emails and the task at hand?”

“Why am I not getting to the bottom of these emails? I feel really useless.”

Then, I am reminded of the quote that reminds me that the glass is always half full. However you choose to view it really determines the outcome.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrows. It empties today of strength.

3 weeks is a really long time outside of the office and it did me a lot of good. I felt well rested, renewed and accomplished to a degree. I wouldn’t deny that I had anxieties about coming back to work. There is constantly a fear of burn out before the year is up and not meeting expectations. Only time will tell if my fears are real and I need to stop being a worry wart.

A glimpse of fear

It was Monday, a week to the day that I return to work.

The nightmares started all over again, the same one that plagued me until I decided to take the sabbatical. It was the taunting nightmare that tried to remind me that I wasn’t good enough for the job, one where I would return and be immediately pulled under.

I woke up shuddering, and I wondered if it was all true.

I took a sip of the cool water with the flu medicine that I needed for week long flu and sleep overcomes me.


As I was heading to catch up with my workplace BFF – Chris, the commute has brought me back to a conversation that I had with a friend – Krys.

“You know the answers to your problems, but the only issue is your lack of confidence and sometimes, you don’t need anyone else’s advice. You really needed to just ramble”

It brought me back years in time. We were young and I was facing a lot of issues back then. Fast forward till today, I think what she said still applies.

Over our lunch conversation, I took away the affirmation of the things that I’ve always known. The reason why I didn’t hate this job as much as I did previously was the fact that I love at least 50% of it. It has allowed me to explore the creative aspect that I long for, whilst performing my job. I’ve always known that my line of work was not for me, even when E told me this years ago, I wasn’t able to step out of my comfort zone to do the things I love.

What do I love? I love to create, but I constantly compare myself to others without realizing that is the reason for my downfall. I love running events and executing whatever is in my head gives me real pride.

So here’s putting my feet down when I return to work in 4 days, and knowing that fear is always going to be a constant. I’d need to work through it and see the brighter side of it all.

 

It’s all too much

It was three weeks prior to my sabbatical.

I returned to my desk after doing a short coffee break in the pantry and returned to my emails piling up. I am usually rather quick at this, but that day I felt really tired, and the task of responding to emails seems irrationally overwhelming. My mind was tired, my body exhausted, and the world felt like it was closing in on me.

It is all too much.

I struggled to my feet, wincing at the pain of the onsetting migraine and pushed past colleagues who were streaming into the room and stumbled down the corridor to the nearest bathroom, just as the tears erupted.

I collapse into the corner, sobbing, and curling myself up into a ball. I had enough, I wanted a way out. For a while, I struggled with myself like a petulant child wanting to leave a game that was lost.

In that moment, I knew what I needed to do – Slow down and rest or risk total burn out.

* * *

A month later, I’m sitting in the dark as music floats through the air. The fatigue still feels real, but I had time to sleep and recover.

In a week, I’ve learnt how to cope when it was too much.

I stopped working. I attempt to read, switch off and relax. I learnt to succumb to rest.

Kitchen Inspiration

Screen Shot 2018-07-15 at 11.48.03 PM

I’ve always have dreams about how I wanted my kitchen to be like. I’ve started a new pinterest board for inspiration for this particular project. I’m a tad worried, but I think we would get there eventually.

Here’s a few kitchens that I’m totally in love with, but due to budget issues, we might have to do a version of it instead. I love the idea of a dark colour and here’s to hoping that I can get some of the beautiful quartz countertops in.

Sources: 1. House Beautiful | 2. Postcards from the ridge | 3. My domaine | 4. HGTV

Home Tour | Bare Bones

A house is made of bricks and beams.
A home is made of hopes and dreams.
– Anonymous

Exciting changes are happening in our lives! I’m super stoked that the house we have bought 4 years ago has finally been completed. Sometimes I forget how daunting the wait seems when we first put down the deposit. In hindsight, I am always amazed at how fast time flies by.

First up on what will be called the “Bare bones” tour is the living & dining area. 

This is the living and dining area from the front door.

The space is pretty small, but we have plans to make it feel really homely and turn it into a space we want to spend some quality down time in.

Next up is the kitchen, it’s huge for a relatively tiny house. An empty canvas is the best way to fill it up without having to massive hacking and overlaying.

Basically there are two identical bedrooms and the master bedroom is a tad bigger.

It might not seem like much, but this is home for the next few years and I’m excited about how I can decorate it!

Tomorrow, he is two

Dear C,

Tomorrow, you’d be two. In preparation for this monumental event that I’d be missing due to starting a new job and before I sat down to write this letter, I went back and read what I wrote last year. I didn’t leave you much words of wisdom last year, because I was overwhelmed at being a godmother.

DSC04945

The second year of your life has been wonderful. We went to Osaka where you shared bread with your Godpa, laughed at our silly faces, cling on to us when Mama and Papa went to have their turn on the roller-coaster rides and your silly little giggles. I’ve also seen you at least once a quarter in the last year and for that, I am grateful.

img_2619

You’re amazing, my dear baby boy. I’m glad that I could really watch and see you develop your personality over the last year, both in person, via FaceTime and with constant updates from your Mama daily.

It amazes me at how well you could count, the way you say “bumpy roads” in your tiny little voice as we drive over humps, and the way you go “Mama, milk milk please?” when you need comforting.

img_4521

Your imagination intrigues me, for I’ve not seen many children your age play pretend the way you do. You are constantly cheeky, and you know that I’d allow you to get away with things as long as you flash me those puppy eyes and smiles.

You are also adventurous and have immense trust in your parents and godparents to know that you could do anything, and we will be there to catch you. When you came back the last time, you learned how to go down the big water slide on your own. By the end of our session at the water park, you would go down alone and handle the whole thing by yourself.

img_5435

You surprise me with how much empathy and love you have for people and things. I love how you can understand what we are telling you. When you were here recently, I remember how you looked at me through the glass window of the tube with your sad eyes knowing that you won’t see me for a few months.

I can imagine the years ahead of us as the problems and struggles you face grows. These are just a part of life and I cannot imagine how much you would learn and how much you would teach me, as a Godmother, about what it means to care and love in spite of the distance.

img_9190

You know much more than I think you do. You’ve also succeeded in shocking Godpa with your counting and I relish in the new words that you’ve picked up while we are apart. You are now a little sponge, and I am constantly hyper aware of what I do in your presence for fears that I might end up being a bad example to you.

I must admit that I glow with pride when your Mama tells me of new milestones or when someone spots your photos on my phone and tell me how handsome you look. So never doubt our love for you, not even for a second.

img_9041

You’ve given both Godpa and myself the joy of parenthood, and every time you call “Godma” or “Godpa”, you put a smile on our face and make our day.

Being your Godmother is the greatest joy of my life, C. You are kind, brave, smart and handsome. You are a light to your parents and ours, and it has been a privilege to witness your life and watch as you grow up. I cannot wait to see what the next year would hold for you.

img_9118

I love you, C. Happy Birthday! We’re really sorry we can’t be there with you to celebrate in person, but know that we are always here for you.

Yours forever,
Godma

Currently | September Edition

Quote of the month | Doesn’t matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point: All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward, it’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up. – Grey’s Anatomy

Reading When I’m gone – Emily Bleeker. This is one of those books that got me all tied up in an emotional mess. How I wished my mum had left more letters, reading about cancer and the pains of the treatment takes me back. It’s so hard to read, yet, I couldn’t put this book down.

Listening to video of Shila Amzah singing one of my favourite Jay Chou song. It’s a song that is really hard to nail and you really need to pronounce every single word to really get it. Gosh! I’m loving her rendition.

Feeling really emotionally drained. My dad sold the family home 6 year post losing my mum and the packing the ensued hasn’t been easy. I stumble over things I thought I might never see again and those brought tears to my eyes.

Learning that the pain of losing a parent and friends aren’t made easier even with time. The house move has brought back tons of emotions, especially since it felt like yesterday when I started to lose people that I love.

Grateful that I have some physical memories in the form notes, folded origami and such that my mother has left behind of me. It’s moments like these that I’m grateful that I took the effort to keep all the tiny things that people would have thrown out.

Celebrating the end of another work chapter that officially ends this Friday. It’s been a tough and lonely journey this past 1.5 yers, and I honestly hope that things do get better in a new environment.

Missing the joys of having a piano in the house so that I can play on it and make all my woes go away.

Treasuring the quiet moments before I commence my new job. It’s off into the deep end with the new role, a part of me feels really frightened, the other part is just buzzing with excitement.